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Dreading a boring and awkward business convention that’s coming up? Dean Ziegler (John C. Reilly) has you covered with a step-by-step guide to get you through the rough times!
SECTION 1: ARRIVAL
First of all, screw those name tags they give you at check-in. Name tags are for newbies and p*ssies. You see the same people every goddam time, so amuse everyone by giving them awesome nicknames:
Dudes:* Adding “-enator” “-imal” “-ster” or “-bo” = instant coolness.
* Your homies know you’re down with the chocolate-vanilla love when you speak their gangsta rap.
* Sometimes the name just asks for it. Like Mike Pyle. He really is a Pyle of sh*t!
* Any bros south of the border -? Speak-a the Spanish, it helps loosen ‘em up: Taco, Paco, Tanto…Ladies:
* If you would pork her, use any combo of “babe” or “baby”. The girls love it when ya compliment them.
* B*tches are “B*tches”. Like my wife. I mean, EX-wife. Fat twat c*ntstain a*s-f*cking-hole.
SECTION 2: WHAT TO AVOID
1. Opening Remarks
F*ck that! You don’t need to listen to that smug f*ck with his BS propaganda. This convention is like a paid vacation! Let’s hit the bar- Deanzie needs a drinksy!
2. Scheduled Activities & Meals
* Don’t go for that praying-before-dinner sh*t. It’s bullsh*t. There’s a separation between religion and insurance, it’s in the Constitution! Besides, I hear the buffet is all-you-can-eat p*ssy, if you know what I mean, and I know you do!
* Before going to any of those lame-a*s events, you gotta ask yourself, ‘What’s in it for me?’ Because, seriously man, if I’m not getting paid or there’s some free stuff, then it’s a pathetic waste of time.
* Only go to the corporate ‘rally’ or ‘talent show’ if you want to heckle the pansies actually up there doing that sh*t.3. Morning-after Guilt
Guilt is an emotion that’s about as useful as a whore with lockjaw. There’s nothing good that you can do with it. Make excuses to avoid these wastes of time.
You can say:
* “I’m so hungover right now.”
* “What are you, queer? Hey, whatever floats your boat…”
* “Suck my a*s.”
* “Blow me.”
SECTION 3: WHAT TO DO
1. Hit the party headquarters, aka, The Bar!
2. Get sh*tfaced.
3. Crash other parties / conventions at the hotel. Weddings are the best ”“ free food, booze and maybe some hot a*s you could tap.4. Totally going in the pool.
5. Sleep it off.
6. Remember: What happens in [convention town], stays in [convention town], amiright?
SECTION 4: NETWORKING
1. If by ‘networking’ you mean DRINKING, then Deanzie is right there with you, man!
2. Find the guy with the 2-for-1 coupons, he’ll hook you up.
3. Get some drinking buddies. Shots? Are awesome! Free shots? Even awesomer! It’s Jaeger time!!!
4. Be the life of the party. You hit ‘em with a round of celebrity impressions, followed by some dirty jokes. Here’s my No-Fail list of guaranteed laughs:
* Say anything like Elvis ”“ “Thankyouverymuch”
* SNL- you know, the Church Lady, Hans and Franz, Wayne’s World! “Party time! Excellent! Schwing!!”
* Dick jokes.
* Say the opposite of what you mean… followed by NOT! No, no, seriously, never do this….. NOT!! See what I did there?
SECTION 5: BUSINESS CONDUCTÂ & OFFICE POLITICS
NO, not that morality mumbo-jumbo those blowhards like to preach. I’m there for my friends. I may be a lot of things, but a jag-off ain’t one of ‘em. I know what I know. And what I know is if you wanna survive, you either gotta fight the tiger or dance with the tiger. So strap on a pair of gourds and let’s get this party started!
If you can’t make it to the city of Cedar Rapids don’t fret! Cedar Rapids will be coming to a theater near you February 11!
Shouts to DeanzieParty!
